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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.